There are many ways of ‘parenting’
This is from Marie:
I totally agree with your posting on the site that the time has come for some kind of Parents’ Liberation Movement . However I wonder whether this would advocate ‘freedom’; for the choices of a diverse range of parenting styles , or is there in truth a particular ‘model’ which is considered more ‘acceptable’ within the PLM forum?
In the work I do (mostly family support work as a volunteer, but also attending some discussion events when family policies are discussed by academics etc ) I’ve observed that newer ways of arranging family life (role reversal/stay at home dads; shared care; both parents in work and using paid childcare etc etc ) are all very acceptable, politically correct and encouraged by the ’system’ .
However there’s one model i.e the so-called ‘traditional’ or ‘old-fashioned’ way (extremely unfortunate and misleading use of language in my view) which is persistently slated by various commentators as retrogade or unenlightened. In my view we need to find a new, more modern narrative for those parents where one goes out to work while the other stays at home to do the hands-on caring for a few years (usually the mother and often out of free choice / following their instincts) – ie this is not going back to the 50s, it is merely an equally valid option taken by free-thinking parents in 2009 in full recognition of the range of choices they may hopefully have, often taking a drastic cut in salary in order to ‘be there’. Of course for many parents there are no options whatsoever (under the current system many couples both have to work to meet the monthly mortgage, as do many single parents, whilst some parent-carers simply don’t have any work or childcare options open to them, but these are separate challenges than need to be addressed in their own way ) .
How far do we wish to liberate parents from the expectations put upon them to ‘parent’ in a particular way? Are we ready for the full range of possibilities and prepared to equally accept that mothers at home, in particular mothers (as everyone likes to see a full time dad) are taking an equally ‘valid’ route?
I think the term ‘parent liberation’ only applies if we are prepared to accept that our choices may not be the choices of others, and that there is strength in the diversity of the full range of parenting approaches. For example I do not home educate our own children full time (I’ve noted that home education is the next topic of discussion), but I do believe we are all home-educators – like it or not, most of us do it part-time around a more formal school day. Some of our friends have taken the full-time home education route and I personally believe they should be entitled to their own family culture, as long as the children are thriving. There is no one size fits all and long may it stay that way, or what a boring world it would be.
We don’t want to be told what to do – we are parents who can think for ourselves. But if PLM imposes a certain culture of its own, then this would be counter-productive would it not? (And I’m not suggesting that this is the case, merely asking for clarification). All too often the dialogue is led by academics, professionals (I call them the ‘gatekeepers of information’) but we need to embrace as many different experiences of parenting as possible and this will include people who don’t think /write/produce reports for a living. Many people have interesting ‘ideas’ even though they may not necessarily be used to articulating them, or to being approached for their views on family life ). I hope the above comments are constructive – I am very excited about the idea of a Parents Liberation Movement, but needed some clarification re what stage we are at… I hope to make a meeting in London sometime, but it can be difficult to get there on a regular basis.
I think the idea is to get away from thinking about in terms of “parenting styles” at all. Ideally I think people should be free to arrange their family lives in whatever way works best for them an their families without the necessity of a lable – whether it’s something we’ve thought up or something imposed externally. If it works for you and your child, then it works.
The problem of course is that everything to do with bringing up chldren today is very politicized and that limits the extent to which we can just get on with things. It think there’s a discussion to be had about the potential problems that flow from the way we raise our children today – the consequences of never allowing children to learn to manage risk on their own, for example – but in the first instance I think we have to insist on the right of parents to adopt whatever approach works for them without public scrutiny.